The best seat in the house

A few years ago, when my hometown team (New England Patriots) made it to the AFC championship game, it was reported that some fans considered themselves lucky to score a $1,000 ticket to a seat at Gillette stadium in the freezing cold. Stories like this convince me that there must be a widespread cerebral disorder that makes people delirious enough to spend exorbitant amounts of money for the privilege of being there.

The need to be in an audience seems to be epidemic to our culture. All across America, people flock to stadiums, theaters and auditoriums, willing to shell-out serious bucks to be able to tell their buddies that they were there.

I just don’t get the excitement of being in the grandstands to watch overpaid athletes “playing” games. Technically, since these guys are professionals, they are working, not really “playing”. Hmmn. I wonder if people would pay to see me running the spell checker with my word processor. But I digress.

It's not just that I am a cheapskate - although that is true. There is the matter of personal space. My seat has been getting bigger at the same time the seats are getting smaller. Who needs to sit scrunched into seats that are clearly designed for anorexics.

And it isn’t just sporting events. Concert ticket prices are also in the stratosphere. Broadway plays, comedians, motivational speakers, anything that involves a celebrity. Apparently, I am immune to the bacteria that causes people to lose their normal good judgement to pay hundreds of dollars to sit in a noisy mob of “fans” trying to see the stage over the gyrating heads of other less-considerate fans blocking the view.

When someone says they went to experience "Fourth of July on the Esplanade", I don't picture the music and fireworks. Instead I think of the Woodstock-like crowds jammed-in together mercilessly, and that phalanx of blue porta-johns, long lines of bladderful people waiting for their chance to experience the ambiance of outdoor toilet facilities.

There is a more efficient alternative. It’s called watching TV. I can watch the games and entertainment events almost for free on TV. Sitting in my comfy chair with no cold wind freezing my ankles. No obstructed view. If I'm watching the game, I get instant re-runs of every key play, and multiple flashbacks of each questionable call. The cost of parking is zero. Distance to the bathroom from my seat is 20ft. I do not have to stand in line. I am not charged for the food available in the pantry. Not do I have to show my ID to get a cold bottle of my favorite beer.

Unless I invite friends or relatives to join me, I have no annoying fans sitting next to me. If the game is boring, I don’t have to sit and fume; I just click to something more interesting, or even turn it off - and catch a nice nap on the couch. (Somebody tell me, What am I missing?)

Recently my wife and daughter took a bus down to NYC to enjoy a weekend in the city. They got tickets to "The Producers" and sat in the stratospheric, uncomfortable seats, which cost $65 a piece. Of course, they had to have the requisite dinner before the show in a trendy restaurant. They loved it.

I stayed home and watched football on the tube, had a few beers and had a nice nap. They were thinking poor dad, missing all this fun in the big city.

I was thinking, “This is heaven.”